Sunday, January 30, 2011

Love's Name In Vain


            I had met her 6 months ago. Well, technically it would depend on how you define the term “meet”. We both sit at opposite ends of the same lunch table and don’t seem to be interested in actually saying hi to each other. All I know is she is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen and I would do anything to gain the confidence to talk to her just once. I would do anything to be able to say the words “I love you” to someone other than my mom and have them know I mean it. I want someone else out there to know that I would kill to feel their pain so they wouldn’t have to feel it anymore. I would want them to know that they could share whatever they wanted with me and that it would never be spread around the world unless they really wanted it to be. The only way I could spread any of their secrets anyway would be to post them to my blog which was starting to get a following without me trying all that hard. Not to mention my blog remains completely anonymous to anyone who isn’t one of my friends. I have no way of knowing if my friends even bother to read it since I have so many views now.
            For right now all I can do is watch the clock slowly tick by until the last lunch of the school began and it would be my last chance to give this girl a piece of paper with my name, phone number, and the link to my blog. Before leaving for school this morning I’d written what I consider to be a beautiful post about her and I would love for her to be able to read it and understand that I want to have the kind of relationship that will never fade with her, the kind of relationship that is guaranteed to last forever. The few friends I do have would most likely make fun of me for going so coo coo about a girl I’ve never even spoken to but they were never the greatest friends anyway. They were always picking on me like all of the other kids did. The entire reason that they even bothered to hang out with me was because I was old enough to buy them cigarettes. If I wasn’t 18 already that wouldn’t even happen.
            That had always been part of being a looser for me. There was always someone out there that wanted me for something that I could do for them and they only came around when they needed that thing. I never got friends that wanted to hang around me because they actually wanted to be around me. That just seems like something that is way too hard in my life. It’s almost like I automatically repel people and love so I can never see what some may call the face of god or use loves name in vain. I may never be the person that sits on the edge of a cliff and watches the sunset with someone that truly loves me and actually wants to keep coming around me. Even my own mother seems repelled by me a lot of days.
            Sure, being the mother of the creepy kid that wears nothing but black clothing and makeup can be a bit embarrassing but at least I don’t look scary when I do it. I actually try to make myself look better when I apply makeup and often do a lot better than the girls in my grade. Many of them just looked like they slapped it on in the morning and didn’t bother to look in a mirror. Most of these girls just managed to scare any guy that actually wanted a good looking girl. More often than not they ended up being the girls that end up on those teen pregnancy television shows. What tends to scare me even more is how many girls in the school actually want to be like those girls. None of them realizes how hard those girls lives actually are and how badly it may effect their lives in the future because they couldn’t wait until later in their lives to have children.
            The lunch bell finally rang. Since my last class before lunch was a study hall I never used for anything productive I didn’t need to put anything away. It made leaving the classroom a lot easier and quicker as all of the other students were too busy talking about where they wanted to walk for lunch than actually packing up and leaving the classroom. Half of them were like me and were on free or reduced lunch because so many people in the area were poor. In my case my mom usually couldn’t afford to feed me 3 meals a day at home and without school lunch I often barely ended up eating even 1 meal. That’s kind of what sucks about having a single mother who can’t seem to be able to get more than a part time job.
            I went through the lunch line as quickly as I could so I could get to my usual table faster. I wanted to be able to hand the girl the piece of paper that I had written all of my information on as quickly as possible so she had a lot of time to make a decision on if she wanted to talk to me or not. Maybe she would even make that decision during our lunch break. I really had no way to know since the two of us really did no nothing about each other. I sat down and started eating as slowly as I usually did. There was no point in rushing the crappy cafeteria food since no one really wants to eat it in the first place. Most people that ate school lunch, unless they were like me and might just starve without it, sat there and stared at their food like it was some alien glob.
            All of lunch went by and she never came to our usual table. It was really odd that she wasn’t there since I had never not seen her sitting there. I couldn’t help but wonder what happened to her since this was a small town after all and neither of us seemed to have any real friends. I can’t even be sure that she had fake friends that she could hang out with like I did, not that I even saw them much, anyway. None of them smoked enough cigarettes to need me more than once a week. They had a routine where they would ask me to buy them whatever they needed on Mondays. The cashier at the gas station I always went to practically had them all memorized by now and made very few mistakes. It’s even already gotten to the point where she doesn’t even ask for my ID anymore, there is no need.
            When lunch was finally about to come to an end an announcement came over the loudspeaker. It asked the entire school to come into the auditorium for an important announcement. Usually this meant we had some sort of surprise guest speaker they decided to not tell us about and all the teachers magically knew was coming. It was their way of having general study days or catch up days for the slower classes. When I entered the auditorium I noticed the girl’s picture was projected. She was actually smiling in this one, something I had never personally seen her do in all of the days that I was sitting across the table from her.
            When he was fairly sure that the entire school had finally assembled to hear what he had to say the principal started speaking. It turns out she had committed suicide the night before because no one ever spoke to her. She was tired of being treated like societies outcast and she felt that her death would be the best way to solve that problem. My heart sank as the news rang through the entire auditorium. Some of the people sitting around me were shooting awkward glances at each other. The last thing any of us had expected to hear in a school assembly was that someone had killed themselves the night before because of something we had all done, either intentionally or otherwise. They mentioned that her funeral service would be Sunday at 3 at the town cemetery for anyone interested and allowed us to all go home.
            Other than her family I was the only person that had decided to attend the funeral. I even stayed to watch the gravediggers fully bury the coffin with her body before leaving. I come every day now to leave a new flower near her headstone. Never will I ever be able to use loves name in vain.

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