Sunday, January 30, 2011

Love's Name In Vain

            I had met her 6 months ago. Well, technically it would depend on how you define the term “meet”. We both sit at opposite ends of the same lunch table and don’t seem to be interested in actually saying hi to each other. All I know is she is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen and I would do anything to gain the confidence to talk to her just once. I would do anything to be able to say the words “I love you” to someone other than my mom and have them know I mean it. I want someone else out there to know that I would kill to feel their pain so they wouldn’t have to feel it anymore. I would want them to know that they could share whatever they wanted with me and that it would never be spread around the world unless they really wanted it to be. The only way I could spread any of their secrets anyway would be to post them to my blog which was starting to get a following without me trying all that hard. Not to mention my blog remains completely anonymous to anyone who isn’t one of my friends. I have no way of knowing if my friends even bother to read it since I have so many views now.
            For right now all I can do is watch the clock slowly tick by until the last lunch of the school began and it would be my last chance to give this girl a piece of paper with my name, phone number, and the link to my blog. Before leaving for school this morning I’d written what I consider to be a beautiful post about her and I would love for her to be able to read it and understand that I want to have the kind of relationship that will never fade with her, the kind of relationship that is guaranteed to last forever. The few friends I do have would most likely make fun of me for going so coo coo about a girl I’ve never even spoken to but they were never the greatest friends anyway. They were always picking on me like all of the other kids did. The entire reason that they even bothered to hang out with me was because I was old enough to buy them cigarettes. If I wasn’t 18 already that wouldn’t even happen.
            That had always been part of being a looser for me. There was always someone out there that wanted me for something that I could do for them and they only came around when they needed that thing. I never got friends that wanted to hang around me because they actually wanted to be around me. That just seems like something that is way too hard in my life. It’s almost like I automatically repel people and love so I can never see what some may call the face of god or use loves name in vain. I may never be the person that sits on the edge of a cliff and watches the sunset with someone that truly loves me and actually wants to keep coming around me. Even my own mother seems repelled by me a lot of days.
            Sure, being the mother of the creepy kid that wears nothing but black clothing and makeup can be a bit embarrassing but at least I don’t look scary when I do it. I actually try to make myself look better when I apply makeup and often do a lot better than the girls in my grade. Many of them just looked like they slapped it on in the morning and didn’t bother to look in a mirror. Most of these girls just managed to scare any guy that actually wanted a good looking girl. More often than not they ended up being the girls that end up on those teen pregnancy television shows. What tends to scare me even more is how many girls in the school actually want to be like those girls. None of them realizes how hard those girls lives actually are and how badly it may effect their lives in the future because they couldn’t wait until later in their lives to have children.
            The lunch bell finally rang. Since my last class before lunch was a study hall I never used for anything productive I didn’t need to put anything away. It made leaving the classroom a lot easier and quicker as all of the other students were too busy talking about where they wanted to walk for lunch than actually packing up and leaving the classroom. Half of them were like me and were on free or reduced lunch because so many people in the area were poor. In my case my mom usually couldn’t afford to feed me 3 meals a day at home and without school lunch I often barely ended up eating even 1 meal. That’s kind of what sucks about having a single mother who can’t seem to be able to get more than a part time job.
            I went through the lunch line as quickly as I could so I could get to my usual table faster. I wanted to be able to hand the girl the piece of paper that I had written all of my information on as quickly as possible so she had a lot of time to make a decision on if she wanted to talk to me or not. Maybe she would even make that decision during our lunch break. I really had no way to know since the two of us really did no nothing about each other. I sat down and started eating as slowly as I usually did. There was no point in rushing the crappy cafeteria food since no one really wants to eat it in the first place. Most people that ate school lunch, unless they were like me and might just starve without it, sat there and stared at their food like it was some alien glob.
            All of lunch went by and she never came to our usual table. It was really odd that she wasn’t there since I had never not seen her sitting there. I couldn’t help but wonder what happened to her since this was a small town after all and neither of us seemed to have any real friends. I can’t even be sure that she had fake friends that she could hang out with like I did, not that I even saw them much, anyway. None of them smoked enough cigarettes to need me more than once a week. They had a routine where they would ask me to buy them whatever they needed on Mondays. The cashier at the gas station I always went to practically had them all memorized by now and made very few mistakes. It’s even already gotten to the point where she doesn’t even ask for my ID anymore, there is no need.
            When lunch was finally about to come to an end an announcement came over the loudspeaker. It asked the entire school to come into the auditorium for an important announcement. Usually this meant we had some sort of surprise guest speaker they decided to not tell us about and all the teachers magically knew was coming. It was their way of having general study days or catch up days for the slower classes. When I entered the auditorium I noticed the girl’s picture was projected. She was actually smiling in this one, something I had never personally seen her do in all of the days that I was sitting across the table from her.
            When he was fairly sure that the entire school had finally assembled to hear what he had to say the principal started speaking. It turns out she had committed suicide the night before because no one ever spoke to her. She was tired of being treated like societies outcast and she felt that her death would be the best way to solve that problem. My heart sank as the news rang through the entire auditorium. Some of the people sitting around me were shooting awkward glances at each other. The last thing any of us had expected to hear in a school assembly was that someone had killed themselves the night before because of something we had all done, either intentionally or otherwise. They mentioned that her funeral service would be Sunday at 3 at the town cemetery for anyone interested and allowed us to all go home.
            Other than her family I was the only person that had decided to attend the funeral. I even stayed to watch the gravediggers fully bury the coffin with her body before leaving. I come every day now to leave a new flower near her headstone. Never will I ever be able to use loves name in vain.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Mahatma Gandhi

Mahatma Gandhi. A man so many have heard of and know for the things he has done for India. Even now he inspires many different people because he is a peaceful person that did a lot of good for many. It is even believed that he inspired Martin Luther King, Jr. while he was advocating for the rights of black people so many years ago. He struggled with school as a young child though he did do better with his studies later on with life. After he finished his grade school learning in the UK where he studied law.
During his time in the UK he promised his family that he wouldn't touch wine, women or meat. With his wife back in India having had his first son when he left on the boat he was leaving a lot of his life behind. With a lot of the UK not being vegetarian finding food that didn't have meat was a struggle. Many of the dishes he found at first he described as tasteless and he didn't enjoy any of it. One day he found a vegetarian restaurant that he enjoyed and found a pamphlet on vegetarianism which he really enjoyed. He started reading a lot of books on vegetarianism after this to learn more about the diet. He was happy to see that science was starting to back the diet that many Indian people had enjoyed for many years and decided that spreading vegetarianism would be part of what he wanted to do with his life.
He met a Christian friend in a vegetarian boarding house one day that introduced him to the bible. The Old Testament put him to sleep but he loved the New Testament. He respected his new friends religion since it had been something he had been taught early on in his life. Once passing the bar and becoming a formal lawyer Gandhi went back to his home in India where he worked on helping all in India gain the much needed change that the entire country needed.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Third Bridge in Aurora Colorado

Dust or orbs? You decide.
*All photographs taken by the author on October 29th, 2008 during her second trip to Third Bridge*
Third Bridge, one of the most famous haunted places in Aurora. Many teenagers will go there with friends to be obnoxious and try to create one of the many sounds and apparitions that are said to happen on the bridge. With the correct timing you can run into many of these sounds and have a lot of experiences that are something that aren't something many will experience during their lifetimes. Some skeptics may even have their own first experiences there and may no longer be a skeptic by the time they leave. Many of them will never be the same again after they can't find a way to explain away some of the events that happen there, some of the things both their friends and themselves have found that they will never be able to explain away or will ever be able to say didn't happen or didn't exist. For the average person a visit to the Third Bridge here in Aurora will mean little to nothing. It will do nothing that will effect their lives other than alter their idea of what really happens in the spirit world.
View off the side of the bridge
 For someone like me who is sensitive to the spirit world like me a trip to the bridge is a completely different experience. It's something that many of us will take with us no matter where we go and no matter what else we choose to do with our lives. It's something that could change us forever and could make us walk away not knowing what to do with ourselves. Nothing can prepare any person that is sensitive to the spirit world for a trip to the bridge, nothing can prepare them for the things that are going to bombard them while their on the bridge if they see the spirits or if they feel the energies of the spirits. I've been to other places that are also haunted (or simply rumored to be haunted) and I know that not a single one of those places could have prepared me for anything that has gone on at the bridge or any of the things that I've felt while I was there.
Tree off the side of the bridge

 The energy felt by the spirits of the Indians and early american settlers that were killed in the fighting there is so strong that any person that is sensitive to the spirit world may end up feeling nauseous or sick during their time on the bridge. Sensitives that tend to be more sensitive to the emotions of the spirits will feel the negative effects of the bridge more immediately than those that tend to be more visual. Of all of my friends that tend to be more visual with spirits I tend to pick up the fact that a place is haunted a lot faster than a lot of my more visual friends though they would feel the emotions of the spirits eventually as well, it just takes them a little longer than it does for me.
Those that are more visual in  their sensitivity to the spirit world more often than not will not be followed home by spirits and will have few ill effects after leaving the site. They'll have the images in their head from what happened there follow them home like so many others that are out there.
View of the guardrail from the opposite
side of the bridge, orb present on the right
Personally, as someone who is sensitive to the spirit world as far as the emotional range goes I often feel like a lot of my physical energy has been drained and it takes me weeks to recoup the energy I lost from my time on the bridge. As someone that has to work the next day I often wont go to the bridge if I have to go to work the next day, energy wise I simply can't do my job the next day. Emotionally I remain depressed for a few days and feel a lot of the feelings of the people that were killed there during the battle. All of the energy that reaches a person sensitive to the spirits emotions its impossible to not take some of it home with you no matter what you try to do to leave it there at the bridge. Something always has to follow you home no matter how hard you try.

Season of the Witch

2010 movie poster
Another excellent movie from Nicholas Cage. The movie takes some twists and turns as the plot changes as the group of Christian men take a woman suspected of being a witch to a monastery where the woman will be tried for what is considered a crime in the time period in which the movie is set. There are few clues in the beginning of the movie of what is to come or of how the movie is to end until you finally do reach the end of the movie. For anyone that is a Nicholas Cage fan you will be far from disappointed with this movie. I would call it his best performance to date.

Thursday, January 20, 2011


US Flag, DSST, Denver, Colorado
Many people get to live their daily lives with little to no fear of whats going to happen to them. I know plenty of friends that get to walk the streets without having to worry about a thing other than if the food in their college lunch room is going to be cooked the way it should or if their going to be making it to school on time. Some of them may even wonder if their local Starbucks is going to be open early enough for them to get their favorite items from the menu before going to class that morning. To be perfectly honest, these are the friends I'm very jealous of. These are the friends that get to walk into almost any area of their town or my town and not have to worry that something 
Being someone who is openly bisexual and often dresses in mens clothing I'm often not given this same option. I walk around in strange areas and get stared at by both strangers in the area and by staff who work in the stores or libraries I enter since many of them automatically assume that I may be a danger to the people there in the building. Being someone that generally dresses in black as well (to hide the tattoos that are hiding under my clothing since that often makes many people more uncomfortable since tattoos are gang related so often in large cities) that is something else that scares so many into thinking I'm going to injure them. Gays are viewed as dangerous by many in society anyway and adding anything to your image, no matter how simple or common it is among other people, looks scary to most people.
Even at work, where I know almost all of the employees by name and many of the customers by their faces (and sometimes by their children if I played with them when I was younger) I still fear mentioning my sexuality to any of them other than the one other employee there who has brought up that she's a lesbian since she could feel that she wasn't going to be persecuted by me. One of the managers is also guessed to be gay though it was never mentioned by him to be directly. So many of us have the right to hide it since there are so many that are willing to openly bash the GLBT community solely for being themselves and being willing to admit to it. I know I personally would love to be open to everyone around me without having to be worried about loosing a job or have someone attack me for solely that reason.
Many people out there don't think of how often we're discriminated against. They don't have to think about being afraid of loosing their job because of what gender their interested in. Many of them get to be blissfully unaware of what we really do have to go through every day since many of us choose to hide it since many of the people that would like to call us our allies don't understand why some things may be upsetting to us when they might seem normal to a lot of other people or like their simple bullies to parents and friends. To those of us who have been truly tormented by so many that choose we know that kind of pain we should all be able to one day feel safe no matter what goes on around us.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Nature of people

Taken in Estes Park, Colorado by the author of this blog
Nature, be it our own nature as humans or the nature around us every day seems to be something that is greatly ignored. Something that many of us see every day and often don't think about since its often something that doesn't change from day to day and is something that remains fairly solid throughout our lives. For many of us we become pretty set in our ways by the time we turn 18 and are even more set in our ways by the time we hit 20 years old. Shows like Scared straight and Jersey Shore don't phase us into starting a new chapter of our lives solely because of what we see on television every day if we even bother  to watch the show at all (some, like myself, may consider any reality television even closely resembling Jersey Shore to be complete crap and will do anything but choose to watch it). For many of us it will take something major like the tragic loss of a loved one to have our every day nature to change at all, even if its something small like a small change in habits or quitting a habit that we knew was really bad for us in the beginning (like smoking or drinking way more alcohol than we should). For some even a tragic event may not even cause us to change our daily habits and may not even change our daily lives as they currently stand at all.
Taken at the Olinger Hampden, Denver, Colorado.
Many of us have now heard of the shooting of a politician at a Safeway in her area. Many of us have also heard the shooter had a long period in which he was showing mental illness that many people choose to ignore so they could get on with their lives thinking that nothing bad would come with it. Me, like many others, have seen the pretty scary mug shot of Jared Loughner that made him look fairly creepy. I know personally that if I saw a guy on the street that I didn't know making that face I would probably make a point to cross the street just in case there was a weapon hidden in there somewhere. I think most of us with a healthy case of paranoia would choose to do the same thing considering it would be part of an old (and in some a long forgotten) instinct that something seemed off about the man. Unfortunately for many of the mentally ill violence is something that is common to them and something many of them probably cant completely control without some form of mental help from a professional that is prepared to help them with it. In the case of Jared Loughner and his victims the help he needed came too late.
Taken at the Olinger Hampden, Denver, Colorado
Many of those out there will know this is a major tragedy no matter how you look at it. There are mothers and fathers that will never get their children back. There are sisters and brothers that will never get their siblings back. There are friends that will never get a friend they enjoyed seeing so much back. Many people remain in critical condition and may not come out of it. The senator that was shot and killed for doing something as simple as interacting with the public may never be able to completely function as a complete human being again because of the path the bullet took through her brain. There are funerals that may be forgotten as the family passes away and the children that knew some of the youngest victims grow older and forget about childhood friends. There are a lot of different possibilities there. The only thing that many will see good from this will be that someone with a mental illness may finally get the vital treatment he's needed for many years. He may never do this again because someone will be assisting him in being as normal as he possibly can be for the rest of his life. If "normal" isn't ab option by many peoples standards or by his psychiatrists standards maybe he'll at least have a chance at finding some relief from his illness though for the many victims of this tragedy and their families their sense of normal will never be restored.

Monday, January 17, 2011

New Years resolutions

The Stanley Hotel, location: Estes Park, Colorado

            Jaunuary 17, 2011. A day when a lot of new years resolutions are probably being broken. Maybe even some new years resolutions are being tried again. Maybe some of you are like me and don’t even choose to set them.
            I know I personally hate setting the famous New Years resolution. Sure, I have the whole year to do a goal for myself and fulfill it. In the past I’ve done things like loose 5 pounds, read all of the works of Edgar Allen Poe (I own a book containing them all), visit a haunted place I’ve never been to before, do a little more traveling than I did last year, things like that. Things that are not only easily obtainable but things that can easily be done over the course of a year.
I had no time constraints on any of my goals other than I wanted them to be done by January of the next year. Never usually got motivated to do it. This year I did manage to check visit a haunted place I’ve never been to before off of my list by visiting The Stanley Hotel. It’s a place that’s an easy (though long) drive from where I currently live and a place I’ve passed several times without having ever gone in. Sure, the last ghost tour of the day was over but I at least was able to cross that goal off of my list.
Many of the goals I do set for myself now have nothing to do with the fact that it’s a new year or the fact that everyone seems to have a thing for making a new them for the new year. I know personally that if I’m going to change something about my life I’ll change it whenever I feel like it and I’m not going to be doing it because someone decided a long time ago it would be fun to stay up until midnight and set some goal for themselves for the year. Sure, I spend every year up until midnight like a lot of others out there; I also usually watch the ball drop and listen to a bunch of the bands that are playing that night. I leave the changes to others since if I want to make a change in my life it will because I feel like it, not because there is a massive holiday going on and “everyone is doing it”.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Stealing Boyfriends

            January. A common month for women to claim that “so and so stole their boyfriend from them”. Among my friends (who are between the ages of 18 and 21) say this a lot as some of their boyfriends leave them for other women and they have used this claim every time the boyfriend left. As young we are (and the fact we live in a large city with more clubs and public social events than anyone can count where we all can meet new men, not to mention countless online dating sites) I’m sure everyone reading this post agree that we wont have that last boyfriend wont be the one we marry. We probably won’t marry anyone until a few more boyfriends from now if we marry at all.
            What really irks me is how many women tend to treat their boyfriends like property and still expect them to stay with them. I don’t know about any of my readers but personally, if I had someone treating me like property I would probably leave them for someone else, too. Most people don’t want to put up with that kind of thing and many others would say the person that is putting up with it is being abused by someone in their lives. With so many different people out there to choose from and so many different ways to meet people most people won’t put up with more than they have to from a lover, more so in modern times when getting a divorce is so common.
            The concept of someone “stealing” their boyfriend also seems absurd to me. Men aren’t like cars, when we start dating them we don’t get a deed saying we own them, we don’t have to sign the back of said deed so someone else can buy them from us. Just like us they can decide they’re sick of our crap and leave us. They have the same free will that a woman has and just like us can plan to use it. Like many women like to have a new purse every once in awhile many men to realize they’re with the wrong woman and do choose to leave since they aren’t owned by us. If they’re really mean (and the woman particularly unlucky) they may choose to just cheat. They may consider cheating “easier” than actually leaving the women. No matter what they choose to do, men aren’t stolen from the woman, they choose to leave.